the first 8 people who reply to this (on my blog) will either get a magnet from the kitten suicide series, or a $5 starbucks card.
make sure to use a valid email so i can ask where to send them.
… told ya it was super crappy
bonus points to anyone who gives an entertaining idea for the next pic of the kitten suicides.
It was a nice try, but the ice cream called to me that much more. Besides, other people’s ice cream is so much better and ice cream you’re not allowed to have is the best.
<rant>
How many times am I expected to hear “hey, big guy,” and not be expected to punch someone?
Why do people think it’s okay to call someone something based on appearance? You don’t hear me walking up to you and say “oh hey, skinny guy!” or “hi, moderately chunky man!”
This isn’t gym class, we’re not picking teams, so you don’t have to describe me to separate me out from a crowd. I know who you’re talking too when you look straight at me or when I’m the only one around,
‘Hi’, ‘Hello’ or ‘Hey’ is more than sufficient. Or better yet, why not pick something to call someone that could be a compliment? For instance, “Well HELLOOooo, Mr. Perfect Nose!”, “Howdy, tall guy”, or even “How ya’doin, muscley legs?”
Regardless, ‘big guy’ isn’t going to cut it, so knock it off. I will cut you.
</rant>
I started going to a chiropractor a week or so ago after having messed up my back in a freak ‘reaching-for-the-remote-control accident.’ I had no idea what a chiropractor did, I just know things hurt back there and they needed to be dealt with… on my back, not my butt.
He put me on a mechanical table that made me feel like a dolphin fleeing the fisherman’s net. He twisted and cracked me like something out of a Saw movie. Last, he tackled me and pinned me up against a wall like a bear hug gone wrong.
Then my appointments switched to first thing in the morning and I started realizing how much I liked getting a big hug in the morning. Not a ‘have a good day’ hug but a ‘i-can-make-you-hurt-so-much-more-if-i-wanted-to’ type of hug. The fact that doc is literally 1/3 of my size and picks me up and snaps my back makes it that much more impressive.
Until today. I laid on the table and swam around my imaginary ocean. He pressed on my back a bit and then sent me on my way. I left the office scratching my head.
I didn’t get my hug.
Now my day feels somewhat incomplete. I pay for hugs damnit, not swimming lessons!
If I don’t get a hug on Wednesday, I may have to rethink this whole chiropractor thing.
Somehow, last Friday I managed to throw my back out. I spent part of the day laying on the floor in my office. It’s an old injury coming back to haunt me. Remind me never to help my father lift heavy objects again.
Then, when getting home on Friday night, I promptly got a cold. All weekend I’ve been miserable.
*sneeze* ow. *sneeze* Ow! *sneeze sneeze* OWWW!
Today I get to go to lunch with the boss and one of our vendors, which means walking all over the damn place. I could really use a hoveround® right about now.
Last night I got into the egg nog that was sitting in the fridge. I love the nog, seriously, I – love – the – nog.
But eggs make me painfully gassy. You didn’t need to know that, but I haven’t updated in a while and this is what I have to work with if I want to post something.
After a movie or two and a few glasses later I was off to bed.
This morning, I got up, walked to the rest room and doubled over in pain. I know eggs give me some pain, but this was like unbearable pain.
When I got to work and had my coffee, you know what I did? I went downstairs to the deli to get a breakfast sandwich… with eggs.
I’m all cramped up at my desk and totally want another. I don’t want more pain, but good lord I love eggs. Even when it’s crippling pain I’m thinking about my next egg fix.
Seriously, something is wrong with me in the head.
Boss: What is that smell in here (my office)?
New Guy: We both had chili for lunch, so…
Me: MMMmmmmm….chili.
Boss: Not quite what I was thinking.
Me: Then, it’s coffee. (I hold up the giant mug)
Boss: Oh, that’s right, it’s 3pm, you’re just waking up.
Me: I drink coffee from the moment I wake up till the time I go to bed.
Boss: I can’t do that anymore.
Me: *scratching chin* Hmmmmmmm… I wonder why that is. Let’s think….
He thought it over for a second.
Boss: Because we’re old?
Me: *SMILE*
Boss: When was your review again?
Me: Don’t you remember…? *snicker* It was 3 weeks ago. So I can say it now.
Boss: … Because I’ll forget by next year? niiiice.
Me: *SMILE*
Last weekend it was pointed out to me that my driver’s license had expired back in June. So I’ve been driving around without a license for a few months now. Oops!
This morning I got moving a few hours early to get down to the local DMV. I walked in, told the receptionist why I was there, he pushed the big button and out spit a ticket with a number. I turned around to look at the large waiting area that was mostly full. They had just opened up 20 minutes ago, how are they already full?? I’m never going to get to work today. I was looking at the clock and began thinking of excuses to tell the boss.
Just then a computerized voice came over the speakers… 304. I looked down at my ticket. 304! The receptionist looked at me with a confused look… “Gotta go!” I ran off before he could stop me.
I walked up to the a desk with a sign above it that said it was waiting on ticket 304. A lady also walked up at the same time. I have this feeling the numbers wrapped and got doubled up. Heck, I’m not waiting for 1000 people, my ticket says 304 and damnit I will be served!
I signed the sheet, paid my $25, snap snap went the camera and I was out of there.
Whew! I guess I won’t have any right to bitch about the DMV until mid-2011 now.
Boss: “This project is going to be really high visibility. I need you to be Super Daniel if you take this on.”
Me: “Do I get to wear spandex?”
Boss: “No.”
Hmm… I may need to rethink leading this project.
“Bite down… no, try again. Hmm, try a nom nom nom action. You know you’re chewing on your tongue, right? Nurse, we have a possessed tongue here.”
Evidently the dentist over numbed my mouth and I couldn’t tell what the heck I was doing. I still can’t. They had a heck of a time controlling where my tongue went. Afterwards they told me to get some Advil… and oh boy that was a treat. I couldn’t tell if the soda I bought was up to my mouth or not. I ended up having to coordinate drinking in my rear-view mirror. And then I had to dig around in my mouth for the pill to make sure I had swallowed it.
Anyone watching me in my car probably would have thought I was reenacting the “two weeks” scene from Total Recall.
I wanted to call in sick, at least until the numbness wore off in a few hours, but I remembered my boss was out today. I’m just hiding in my office until then.
Oh, did I mention I have an office? I just moved from my cube yesterday. I feel all fancy schmancy in here. It’s not anywhere near as big as past offices I’ve had, but offices are hard to come by here so it’s quite a privilege, especially when you are not a manager. It’s only temporary I’m sure, but it’ll be nice while it lasts.
